Get rid of your Anal Eaze

This stuff sucks

AnalEaze and other numbing agents have no place in your sex life. That is one of the most definitive things you will ever hear me say about what your sex life should look like. I don’t care what you’re doing or who you’re doing it with, AnalEaze has no place in the matter. Here’s a product description:

Famous for making anal sex easy and comfortable, Cherry Flavored AnalEaze is a must-have for pleasurable anal play. A special formulation desensitizes just enough for easy penetration, while allowing for ultimate enjoyment. This Anal lube has a pleasant Cherry scent and flavor kick up excitement even more, for thrilling anal adventures! Contains a mild anesthetic (benzocaine) that enhances comfort during penetration.

So let’s break down what AnalEaze is into an easy to make at home recipe. First take a really crappy lube that contains glycerin. You can tell if you put it in between your fingers and rub vigorously. Do you see a little bit of foam? That’s the glycerin. It’s notorious for causing irritation or yeast infections. Now mix in some Oragel, because that’s another place where benzocaine is used. There’s your numbing agent. Now if you want that tasty cherry flavor we all love, dump in some cough syrup as well. That’s AnalEaze. Does it still sound appealing?

If you need to use AnalEaze, you’re doing Teh Buttseks all wrong. Anal sex should not require a numbing agent to drown out the pain. The anal sphincter is a muscle. Before any type of vigorous muscle activity you should do a warm up. A sure fire way for any athlete to welcome an injury is to jump in without some stretches and a warm up prior to the main event. Teh buttseks is no exception, my budding young anal athletes. You can’t go from zero to penis in 15 seconds painlessly.

First and foremost, you want to find a good lube. In our fancy modern times, most drug stores happen to carry some decent lubes but a sex shop is going to have a better selection. For those that are shy, you can always order some online. Sex-positive shops are good for this because they will often have bottles open for you to test out (with your hands, perverts!) in the store. These are my top favorites:

Pink Silicone lube is latex compatible, is hypoallergenic and contains Vitamin E and Aloe Vera. I like the feel of silicone lube because I don’t have to apply it as frequently during sex. It’s thin, not goopy, comes in a pump bottle, looks pretty, and feels as sexy as satin. It is not, however, a cheap lube. 3.3oz will cost you around $20 give or take a few dollars. Pink is a packaging thing, I must admit. Other silicone lubes are also great like Wet Platinum, Eros, ID Millenium, or Gun Oil (identical in formula to Pink). Silicone lube is also the best way to attempt sex in water because it won’t wash away as easily.

Liquid Silk lube is a hybrid lube- it’s water based with a little silicone thrown into the mix. It’s also very good for those with sensitivities and feels very smooth. It won’t get tacky and is a popular favorite for all kinds of sex. It’s also a great lube to use for massage because oils will break down latex. It does look a little like cum, but for some of us, that’s a good thing! There really isn’t another great substitute for a hybrid lube like Liquid Silk that I’ve experienced yet, but I’m on the lookout.

Slippery Stuff

Slippery Stuff is a water based lube that is a thicker gel. A thinner water based lube will need constant reapplication, but Slippery Stuff will hold out a little longer during thrusting. According to a legend I heard, it was designed to help people get in and out of wet suit. Maximus Lube (by the makers of Liquid Silk), Sliquid Sassy Booty, and Elbow Grease Gel (not to be confused with the cream in a jar which is not latex friendly) are also great thick water based gels for butt lovin’.

So now you have a lube. what happens when you want to get into the act? The biggest most people have is the poo factor. A great pornstar once said, “Anal sex is like trying to get a hotel room, it requires a reservation in advance, although sometimes you can get in at the last minute.” By ‘advance reservations’ we don’t all mean a giant 3 quart enema. That might actually be a bad idea. It does mean being aware of what you eat and how your body is processing it. If you subsist entirely on McDonald’s you might run into some problems. If you have a balanced diet with fiber and veggies you’ll have much less of an issue. For someone with a healthy diet, a trip to the bathroom beforehand is going to be pretty much all of the prep needed. Some people want to be sure. A Fleet enema is handy in this department.

Fleet enemas are your friend

If you pick one up at a drug store and it already has a fluid inside of it, dump it out, refill with regular water, shake it, dump it, and refill again. The fluid inside has a laxative and this is going to be counterproductive. The nozzle is really thin and already contains a bit of lube on it underneath the cap. If you need more lube than that, go ahead and add it. The goal is to expel clear water and this might take two or three depending on what’s happening with your body. They are disposable, so toss them out when you’re done.

After this, it can also be helpful to wait a little before sex. Sometimes the water can get up a little higher than what you expelled. The higher up it goes, the more fecal matter it runs into and it may decide to make an appearance later on in the act when some thrusting encourages it to flow more freely. Take a break, have a glass of wine, see where you’re at. This is also handy in that water will also get rid of some of the natural mucous that the anus needs to be happy. Sex immediately after an enema can be uncomfortable.

I would also like any of my readers to realize that poo isn’t a big deal. If you’re the penetrative party who wants to fuck your partner in the ass, don’t be a dick if you run into a little dirt. This is why condoms for anal are great anyway. You can always use a baby wipe, toss away a condom, and hop into a shower. It isn’t the end of the world. If you’re the receptive partner, your reaction is going to have a big part in how an accident is received. Grab a baby wipe, laugh, and hop into the shower. Unless nuclear radiation, a CIA confession about the assassination of JFK, or proof of extra terrestrial intelligence is what came out of your body it isn’t a big deal.

So now you’re all clean, you’ve got lube, what’s next? The next part is something that might happen on your first attempt or your 50th. This is where you take your time. Try just running a finger on the outside in circles while also stroking your dick or clit or nipples or whatever else turns you on. Get used to the feeling of it all. After you feel ready, add some of the lube you liked and try inserting a finger slowly. Add more lube if you think you need more. This shouldn’t be painful. Most people describe it as “strange” or “full.” Some people realize that they’re going to cum immediately or very quickly, others decide they don’t like it at all, some don’t even notice. As long as you aren’t feeling sharp acute pain your reaction is fine and you can decide if you want to do more.

Some people like a stroking motion, others like something stationary. It’s your ass and you call the shots in this case. If you feel ready for another finger, go for it and add another. Some people move on to a small toy or plug at this point and this is always personal preference. Some people don’t like the feel of even a single finger but love the way their favorite toy feels inside of them. There are so many nerve endings that texture goes a long way. Maybe you wind up taking a cock or strap-on on that first try, maybe you don’t. On some nights you’ll be in the mood and on others you won’t. Let a hard cock or wet pussy be your guide, first star to the right and straight on ’til morning as they say.

The reason that Anal Eaze sucks is that it interrupts with this whole process. It’s a crappy lube to start out with. It has all kinds of sugar and irritants and it’s going to be absorbed very quickly. The benzocaine will numb things temporarily so you won’t feel pain and that sharp sting gives you a lot of good information. You might not feel when there is not enough lubrication. The problem is, that numbness will wear off and it might be after the anal sex is over or right in the middle of things. It works on the false premise “once it’s in, you’ll love it!”

Any numbing creme is a bad idea and it’s also the exact same product packaged different ways. There are numbing cremes to help you give better blow job, or so they say, and it’s still AnalEaze. Putting a numbing agent on the back of your throat isn’t the best idea because you have a gag reflex for a reason. Putting a numbing creme on your dick to last longer will reduce sensation so much so that if you lose your hard on you probably won’t be able to get it back. It’s also a topical creme so it’s possible you’ll be numbing your partner as well unless there is a barrier between the two of you.

Not everyone is going to engage in sex the same way. Some people, like me, love having anal sex. It’s just the way I’m built. On the other hand, I can’t deep throat to save my life. That isn’t to say I don’t give a good blow job. I have just learned to work with what my body can do. If you continually find that anal sex always hurts even though you’re using lots of lube and going slowly, don’t feel bad about it. Using a numbing agent isn’t going to help you enjoy anal sex any more, it will just help you tolerate it and you might end up causing more harm to yourself.

My booty at The Upper Floor


Filed under medical, opinion, sexuality, toys

12 responses to “Get rid of your Anal Eaze

  1. that’s a very fuckable booty you have there!


  2. Al

    The single biggest thing I hate about AnalEaze is that is make it very easy to hurt yourself. I seriously dislike the idea of turning off the pain factor. Face it, we feel pain for a reason! You have the potential to cause yourself a lot of injury if you can’t feel the pain.

  3. Nio

    “You can’t go from zero to penis in 15 seconds painlessly.” Haha, exactly.

    Loving your blog, rediscovered it recently. Keep up the awesome work!

  4. HorrorAnghell

    oh fuck! look @ that ass

  5. Devin

    Thanks so much. Ill tell my boyfriend to stop popping out if he wants to play in there. :p

  6. Thank you for this post – as a couple who both love getting and giving anal – we are surprised at the amount of play partners who have either brought it or asked if we had it. For the record, we LOVE water-based gel lube for anal, especially if it is a long session, just add a bit of water and it is slick again.

  7. that is a nice bottom, sorry if that sounds shallow.. wait how did I get here anyways? oh yea I was looking for a lubricant to apply on the rubber boot of my motorcycle air filter so it will slip over the carburetor easily, I’m about to toss it out the wondow!

  8. Ronnie

    Thanks for the great info, as they say “an ass is a terrible thing to waste”, or maybe that was a “mind”, anyway anal is great!

  9. Hello, after reading this awesome piece of writing i am too happy to share my knowledge here with mates.

  10. An interesting discussion is definitely worth comment.
    I believe that you ought to write more on this
    subject matter, it might not be a taboo subject but generally folks don’t speak about such topics. To the next! Kind regards!!



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s