Stop Sexy Car Movies!

Road rage? More like road rape!

In 1968 a very dangerous film was unleashed upon America that ripped apart our conventions of driving. It was titled Bullitt and it prominently featured 9 minutes and 42 seconds of some of the most dangerous and reckless driving ever recorded. The director was not even responsible enough to included a warning at the beginning of the film reminding audiences that it was filmed on a closed set with specially modified car engines. For the health and safety of everyone who at some point in their life might get behind the wheel of an automobile it should have been stated that no one can drive like Steve McQueen. In fact, Steve McQueen couldn’t even drive like Steve McQueen because he had the assistance of stunt men. How utterly appalling!

Films that featured cars in the 1950s and earlier were much different. These cars were produced with art and beauty in mind rather than high performance and speed. Of course we all know that teenagers mingled with car engines back then and I’m no kill joy for fun. However, they were much slower then. Fathers and sons often worked on cars together in the family garage and drag racing was strictly limited to airport parking lots. There were only two types of speeders featured in the car films of yesteryear- leather jacketed boys who were beheaded as a result of their poor choices and the police officers who were there to help. These were positive morals for us all.

Things are different now. Images of unattainable engines are paraded before us everywhere we look. Editing techniques are always utilized to make it appear as if cars can reach breakneck speeds or fly over giant gaps in the road. Drivers suffer from suicidal despair in their pursuit of the so-called “perfect auto-body,” making modifications that the manufacturer never intended. No one in the 1950s desired the gross overstated “spinners” on their rims. These are entirely contrived and highly unnatural. People should love their cars just the way they are.

Of course it is imperative to mention that films about cars are marketed exclusively to men who are, unfortunately, physically incapable of distinguishing between cinema and reality. They believe that these sequences are exactly like the way we are supposed to drive. You don’t have to take my word for it, look at the number of moving violations that occur on a daily basis. Every single one is strictly the result of these movies. There are no other motives for bad behavior on the road other than the inability to distinguish between car images and true car behavior.

Unfortunately, women have been so brainwashed by this kind of rampant car culture that you never hear of women ever expressing vehicular limits like, “sweetie, can you please slow down?” or, “that’s a stop light up ahead.” We can see that women truly believe that it is only natural for a man to drive 100 MPH through a residential street with speed bumps and a playground. There are no other images to counteract this. Every time a woman sees someone like this “king of cool,” Steve McQueen chasing hit men through the streets of San Francisco this dangerous notion is truly reinforced. It is a de facto truth that this is how “real men” behave and women have lost the ability to think otherwise.

Now you may notice that there are some films featuring attractive female drivers (such as the remake of The Italian Job) but these films are made within the confines of male car culture. A woman never actively chooses to speed. This is merely driving peformativity done to impress other males on the road because it is a woman’s natural inclination to drive 50 in the fast lane with her left blinker on for 15 miles. This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that the VW Bug is the most popular car among female drivers, a vehicle that practically doubles in value with a full tank of gas.

All of this invariably trickles down to the children. The other day I asked the son of one of my friends what kind of car he would like to drive when he grows up and he said something that horrified me. He told me that he would like to drive the Batmobile. What an unreasonable expectation for him. When he sits in the driver’s seat for that very special first time, he will be so full of rage by the false promises of every single form of car media presented to him at childhood that he will be forced to drive it into a wall repeatedly for the simple crime of not flying. It appears that I am a lone voice in a world of people who seem to believe that he will “grow up” and come to understand the normal functioning of your average car.

It is because I despise these images of moving vehicles behaving dangerously and erratically that I view them daily and report my findings to you because only I possess the ability to interpret them correctly. I cannot lie, it positively repulses me but I am deeply compelled by my mission to continue. I am no hero, my friends. I am merely one woman standing up for what is right. I know in my heart and my soul that if we eliminated these films all traffic fatalities would come to an immediate end. What we have today is not what Henry Ford intended.

Please join me at my upcoming conference in opposition to this dangerous car culture. The date is TBD but please stay tuned (no pun intended- even our day to day language has been corrupted!). Until then, I ask that you pledge never to drive above 55 and to boycott any movie that prominently features dangerous and reckless car driving for the good and safety of all people. We have the power to have these images permanently banned.

If you desire this, then you desire the death of yourself and others.


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4 responses to “Stop Sexy Car Movies!

  1. Rick Umbaugh

    Why I haven’t had a driver’s license since 1976, I’m the world’s worst driver and I didn’t want kill someone.

  2. Nonzensed

    ppl always misunderstand things, Ford did a machine for transportation and ppl made a weapon out of it, but the companies that make this vehicles are responsible too ’cause they make the vehicles that way just for the money they do out of it

  3. monopole

    Naw, that car is far too small for me, I need a really big car, with plenty of room for my friends, and hitchhikers my chauffeur picks up on the side of the road (for a small fee). The inside has multiple vertical dancing poles. The outside has cool racing stripes and a big LED marquee on the front to let everybody know the fabulous places I’m going to! And the best part is I don’t even own it! I just wait a while by the streetcorner and it comes by and I slip the chauffeur a little money. And when I’m done with it the chauffeur drives off to park it somewhere!

  4. I’m put off by the insanity depicted on screen. However, what really ticks me off about the car culture is that Americans would rather spend $50,000 on a car than spend $500 on a painting or a other work of art. It strikes me as a type of insanity. We’d rather waste money on something that lasts a few years than be caught dead with something that evokes a lasting sense of beauty. It’s as if we’d rather embrace ignorance than knowledge.

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